It is funny, but it is not.

I found some really funny bipolar and or depression/anxiety cartoons on the web.

Do most bipolar's feel like this? . I do a lot.

If only this could be a steady life.

Way to save the turkey.

Was the depression glass ever used in therapy? I love this vintage stuff, but drop the depression please.

You must laugh at yourself :Pro_15:13  A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. Pro_17:22  A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
So it is humorous, but at the same time a sad fact.

Depression, like ice upon my soul.

I know I already posted today, but I thought describing my depression today might help my mind set. Shorter days -and though I am so thankful for the rain and actually love cloudy days, it is so cloudy on my mind I actually am finding myself crying so much more than I have for a couple months.

So what does this depression feel like to me:

1. Pinterest does not even lift my spirits when it usuallyu help me immensely.
2. I feel like I cannot breathe.
3. Do not even want to listen to music.
4. I am nauseous from it.
5. Thinking everyone is against me and even though it is a fact that God is not. I cannot stop the feeling -though a lie from the pit that all I have ever done as I grow old was such a waste in God's name.
6. There was never enough time or money to do what I wanted for God. I know you are not supposed to think such thoughts per the bible or even advice given by self help stuff, but I am overwhelmed with Why? Yes, in heaven my tear will be wiped away, but does anyone else think-and maybe my idea of heaven is skewed-it is now when people need love in caring that money is needed to do things you will not need to do in heaven and time is the same way. God says he will provide sufficiency in all things to abound to every good work. Am I missing something here?
7. The depression is like ice inside me.
8. I feel so strange.
9.  I feel fake and like it all is surreal.
10.  The mental health place that is supposed to be so helpful , are not there for me-though they say they will be when I really am in need  Game playing as the darkness closes in. 

While I was getting some canned hash out of the microwave-even though I am in a brain fog, I have hope that maybe I am in such a bad manner, it is because I have prayed hard  and God is breaking through like with Daniel to answer my prayers? I just could wish I would see the answers.

MUST FIGHT

Hospital 3

I have been putting this off since it is not a pleasant subject to meditate on. I have also had so much drama in my family which has hindered me from posting for a few days. Had to drive into town which is an hour back and forth.

Any way I was stripped for track marks and I believe cuttings. I do not do either by the grace of God. So humiliating. I had some bug bites and had to say they were bug bites with the nurse writing everything down. I also have psoriasis and had to explain that. It is on my ankles.

The night nurse- It was by then midnight- had me take sleep medicine. Since I was lied to at the beginning and I wanted to sleep to make the horror go away so I took the trazadone and ativan. I conked until 7 a.m. until I was awakened by loud noise which I discovered was the kitchen person bringing breakfast.

I did not want to eat, but they would allow nothing in my room and I have low blood sugar a lot, So I forced myself to eat what I could. I am nor used to eating breakfast. I know it is supposed to be bad, but for me but once I eat I crave chocolate-even if I eat a big meal.The longer in the day I put off eating the better. I am just an out of the box typed person. It works for me. The rest of the time in the hospital I believe I ended up eating more than I ever have in my life. I was afraid not to eat well and have the low blood sugar attack. Now you could ask for snacks at the desk, but I actually just wanted to be away from the nurses as little interaction as possible. I am not always good at asking. (introvert) and some of the nurses acted put out. Some of the hospital food was extremely good and some was lame. I also seem to have an ocd thing with eating with people I do not know so I had to pray to not be revolted.they also had a TV. blasting shows that were not a help for my repulsive feelings. The room was also kind of dirty. When I got restless I started wiping the tables myself on the last couple days of my stay.

The DR.: The first DR there was - and you had to wait for awhile -with no witnesses- said very abusive remarks. He threatened things. he may have had dry humor and really no one said much to each other in there because "the walls have ears" so I never knew what others thought of this "joker." He threatened to not let me go home to my family, to throw my husband in the hospital and such things the 3 days I saw him. On Saturday we had a different doctor. he was the total opposite of the other. Kind ,and he let me out 2 days early.Which I had been praying hard for.

Medications: They put me on  a bunch of medicines. One given me- and I at least give the kudo's to the churlish doctrine for the new anti depressant he put me on. It actually has done wonders. They also put me on what they called an anti psychotic  and I was not even psychotic. This drug caused me unable to sleep by the 2nd night upon taking and psychotic symptoms. I had to pray through it asking it not to effect me.

Speaking of sleep. I slept from 12- 7 the first day and I went back to sleep for most of the rest of the day except for supper, when nurses came to check my vitals and or give me the meds. My room mate slept also that day. I had been horrified to see I would be sharing a room. The room also was dark and I hated to turn the light on to bother her, but by afternoon day 2 I was not able to sleep so I had to read or could not stand it. As far as I know my room mate slept all the time except meals and I had thought I would sleep like that to make the time go by like maybe she would do. As I also have stated before, the one drug they put me on made me manic at night, but I was told by the grumpy physician that if I refused my meds-which I could do-he would keep me for a month- so I endured and told no one.I prayed. ( You can refuse the pills, but if you do you will bear the punishment.)

Other "patients": almost all the other patients in there with what I could discern and hear were in there because of drugs in some manner or another connected to fighting, clashes, recklessness or of the same.( I felt vindicated by my blood test showing I had no illegal drugs or alcohol in my body.) One saw me reading my bible and asked me some things. when he left , he asked for me to pray for him. I have been trying to do it daily. I really-even though that was the most I talked to any other one in there with me-did not have much interaction with others as said. I also have mentioned my introvert personality.(When I get among many people I do not know, I find it hard to converse.) If I am around one person or people I already know I can talk their "ear off." I do believe also that many were inhibited to talk since anything could be used against you. Several things stick out with my fellow patients:
One lady that seemed pretty normal, but would fade in and out. All I could think maybe she was perhaps schizophrenic . This lady was missing a limb and in a wheel chair. she kept trying to sneak in one of the young guys rooms. I also saw her laying completely naked on her bed where you had to see her when you walked by. I did tell the nurses this was going on and they took care of it. I also saw the young guy that she was trying to sneak in with walk by her door and I was apprehensive that he may have seen her also spread out.



Since I am finding this is taking more writing then I had anticipated with this blog, I am going to cut out here and do another post on the hospital experience. I just know if something is too long I will not attempt it. So to find out what took place after the unclothed bed incident tune in for a later posting I have also missed some things I wanted to say in my sections above. Next time:What happened with this young man-that may have been connected to the exposed woman on her bed in her room.

Exactly how it was waiting for the DR. Though nurses no longer dress like this.

On FB? Help for Christians and support.

I am so tired from my night medications that I am posting a quick link.  If you are a Christian, on FB and want a closed group with great support for mental illness.

http://www.facebook.com/groups/hcmisa/

Bear with me, I will get to the hospital post.

My experience with bipolar, drugs, Dr's, and other things.

I know I need to write my hospital experience on here, but I have changed courses.-maybe tomorrow or a couple days. I do not like to think of the hospital when major depressed and I am that today. Very hard to write and a question has come up on medication I want to deal with. for all the people on bipolar christian group on FB and especially Misty Bear.

I think medicine is very much needed even for mental stuff- very much so. If it had not been for Ativan when I went into the hospital way back with psychosis and not really knowing what was wrong.( I was very ignorant back then.) I had never even heard of bipolar and actually I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I knew about that one since I had read books on it.Actually this verse fits here: Job_3:25  For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was always afraid after reading several books on it that this would be me.

Anyway, I had never heard of bipolar. and there is a lot more to tell with what happened before I figured out what was wrong. Yes, I was the one that figured it out myself. Dr's are practicing not knowing. I do have a post on here about my child hood and things my mom remembered that set me on the path it was bipolar. I have had problems with it since about 4 of and on. My link to my post on beginning of bipolar: http://blogginadventure.blogspot.com/2012/03/beginnings-of-bipolar-bipolar-balst-5.html

Back to the medicine. I do take medicine and I really found out with my new meds I got in the hospital what happens when my body is used to drugs and i do not get them.

You see when I first went over the top with terrible psychosis brought on from extreme anxiety and mania- I have since figured this out myself by studying- I was given anxiety medicine, a psychotic stuff and zoloft. I was better and could finally sleep which I had not done for about 2 weeks -having pain like fire shoot through me at night or when I lay down. I had dealt with weird stuff off and on for 3 months and no I did not want to go to the dr since I was a christian and (Christians should not need medicine. Friends finally convinced me to go in.) Dr's did not know what to do at all. I did better off an don to i went totally psychotic at the 3 months end. All during this time I had fear like ice waves over me,. the feeling of fire, seeming my body parts moving around, earth quakes inside, total darkness. I prayed and did not want to take medicine. but wren voices became so violent and I could not sleep. My husband took me in and by that time I was desperate for medicine.

I stayed on this medicine for about 2 years, getting it free under a Florida plan, but still having some voices and aftershocks. Then we moved. Washington state and no insurance. My husband would not pay for my medicine so  I dumped the psycho stuff. I did not trust it anyway and my mom sent me money for the Zoloft. I still had extreme depression and really happy states, but did not know I had bipolar yet. With god and praying I was under a lot of control.

 A  couple years later i had a computer for the first time and the world opened up with learning. I stared watching videos on mind illness and reading on it. my mom sent me a book-huge and I do not recall the name- but was on bipolar. she had skipped through it and said it sounded like me. IT REALLY DID and I was sure this was the problem.


I was able to find a discount clinic, but afraid to bring up bipolar. I was put on Klonpan and  I was doing pretty well with it and zoloft. I had bouts of anxiety and depression back and forth.

I was sent to a psychiatrist in this time and he yelled at me for being on the benzo. I had never heard such a thing. refused to treat me and I have since found out wrote I was an addict in records,. Not true I never abused those. Back and forth. One dr would say that is crazy since you take so little. another would not prescribe them.

Get to the point. Now where I am at, again I get no insurance. They do provide mental health for free, but not medications. Klonopan is cheap. I began to notice after being prescribed it for a year or so at this place that suddenly they got real snotty when I brought this up. my caseworker started telling me I need mood stabilizers.( I should have not told them I had bipolar maybe?? just stuck with anxiety.) Now they will not let me have it. They have put me on some creepy antihistamine. I was doing pretty good trusting God and taking just what I needed and under my control and needs. I was prescribed this medication 15 years ago and did not abuse or sell or give it to others. check my record. This is why I am against medicine. I am glad i had it, but you are at mercy with the system. So ,I do not have it now and I do not want to take the other junk. So if anxiety gets out of hand oh well. maybe they will get a clue. All because of some druggies giving it a name.

So they put me on some mood, stuff, an antidepressant and this anxiety stuff. If I just had to get them it would be fine, but I have expensive drugs for my other illnesses so guess which ones I was able to get. I will die w/out the asthma stuff. the klonopan is cheap. The new stuff expensive. so I was without my meds for 5 days. I found out what happens when your body is used to those drugs i went out of control faster and more extreme than usual. I was not right with  God either which was double whammy. I think medicines are great and necessary at sometimes after all Paul says: Ti_5:23  Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities. this is in a medicine's sense- Nice to know a great man like timothy had physical problems. Luke was a Dr. and was a great christian also.But this is what I hate about medications.         

1.  They are wonderful if you have insurance or the money when you run out.
2. Dr's do not trust your experience and think anyone with this stuff is deceitful and lying and abusing the medicine.
3. So they make you get off something that has got you through for years because of a few messing it up for everyone.
4. though you have studied and probaly know more than DRS they will give you taht look when you say anything that makes them look  like the "professional"
5. They will give you an embarrassing drug test, even though they can check the record and tell you are not abusing and show their stupidity. One reason  I stay home and work for God, he does not make me do a drug test. Think that is wrong. my opinion.
6. You body gets used to ,the drugs and your state without them is far more dangerous if you control by God.
7. I still am extremely depressed anyway. 
8. Some side effects cause me more anxiety than I would have had.
9. I went to these Dr's at this place just to get the anxiety medicine since my regular DR, a PA told me to since she could not prescribe and it is annoying the games they do now to me.
10. They always want to add more and play with the meds and who knows if they will not take away what works again. you are at there mercy. the bible says do not be brought under the power of any. I feel like I am under them more then my Savior. At their beck and call and if you cannot make an appointment when you live over an hour away,  I money is short and your car  is old or you are extremely sick. Or other things. They will take away your birthday-oops I mean your medication they pill pushed on you.
11. They cannot seem to take my extreme deadly asthma into consideration. How it drives the adrenalin-when I was a kid I had actual adrenalin shots. I am a different case and out of their little box.
12. And the biggest reason I am leery to get used to relying on these is I look to the future. I know what happened a few days ago without these meds because I was not able to get them. Our terrible leadership and sin of this nation is bringing God's judgement. It is only beginning. Prices are said to rise next year 50%. It will get worse. We already do not eat right because , frankly we cannot afford it. (another thing DRS always putting the eat right on you) When it come down to a meal or a medicine. Which are you going to choose? Please. if you have no gas and cannot get to Walgreens which is so far and the only place you can bring the meds down to $100 a month instead of $600. What will you do? # 12 Is my main concern. At least an asthma attack will kill me first. And heaven awaits. God will have to do something miraculous if and when it comes to that. I just remember how cheap my asthma drugs were when they first gave them to me.

Well praise Jesus Christ all the way anyway. 

How Much do you know about Bipolar?

A fun quiz to learn and test your knowledge of bipolar     http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/cf/quizzes/how-much-do-you-know-about-bipolar-disorder/question-1/

Depression- Medicines

One thing I really get tired of is people giving advice when they are not in your house, have not lived your life and just plain do not know.
Last time I went in the hospital I was told over and over I need these medicines they put me on. Now I am not against medicine for any condition even mental stuff if needed . What I do not care for is medical people so called talking to you like you are stupid, giving advice that works for them but they have no idea what it is like in actuality. Degrees do not count! -and talking to you stupid. Or when you tell them  exactly what happened with a medicine practically accusing you of lying. Looking at you like you do Meth like many. I have no respect for these people at all. They make it all sound so easy because their way works for them.
They take it for granted you have money to get these drugs. Actually an antidepressant I was put on in the hospital was really helping. One case manager told me I could probably get this medicine for $4 Walmart list. I called Walmart and woe, was this not only on the $4 list , it was running about $150 for a month. Well I am told you can go get it on the discount at Walgreens . It is only $30 there. Walgreens is way far out, so consider the gas, and it would be okay if I just had that prescription, but how much do all the prescriptions I get run at $30 a pop? It is like a juggling act.
Needless to say, I think it is better to give this depression over to God. if I had not had this good medicine in the first place, my depression would be more manageable then it is now. it is extreme as my body loses the help of the drug.
I tell them that. "What if I cannot get these medication? After all as I wrote on a post back a few days, I am trying to get asthma help with natural plants in my yard since my asthma  is a killer and real costly to get the prescriptions for. There answer is "why?" DUH !!!! Things do happen and my asthma medication is a matter of life and death.
So here I sit -extremely depressed-far worse than if I had never had the stupid drugs in the first place and they want to push more and more which is far worse to have and then not and over and over cycle than to just deal with it  with God's strength in the first place.

Oh and another thing in their cushy government job. You call to tell them -these concerned for you helpers when you were in the hospital-to tell them wast is happening, leave messages and they do not call back. This is not me, because of God's restraining hand but then they scratch their heads at someone going postal. Is it any wonder?

Bipolar books I may want to read

I really want to read several bipolar books. It has been awhile since I have read one and neither one that I attempted  was good enough to complete. I have been reading reviews on:

I saw this one on Good Reads via a couple friends. Now I am friends with the author. This is just her experience and testimony.

Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament

I really wanted to read this even though there are some bad reviews and the idea it is like a textbook kind of put  me off.Still  I would like to read a book on bipolar and creativity and about those that could have have Bipolar being gifted. this is encouraging to me. I do know I am extremely creative so it fits. I think this book would be encouraging.

Humorous learning book.

The 3rd book talks of bipolar in a light hear-ted manner. If she can do this so can I.(Have such a merry heart.)

These are just 3 of the many books I have been checking up on and if I purchase one or more of these or any other bipolar books I will have a review on here. I have read as stated a couple bipolar books, but skimmed and did not read all the way through. I may post my reviews from Good Reads on them on here also.

Hospital B

4 hours in an emergency waiting room ( If some one was serious about harming themselves or any one else there were needles and a lot of other stuff to use to self or other harm in the emergency room and my husband was in and out so I had a chance if I had really been serious.

I had been told if I went willingly I would get only 4 hours, I found out this did not include the emergency room time - which was as I stated 4 hours. I asked to go home at the 4 hour mark, but was not happy when i was told I was 96'd. I never had ever heard that term. I have since talked to many that know all about it. I questioned it and suddenly had 3 security guard around me. They would not let me call my lawyer not have my stuff. They made me get in a wheelchair by threatening straight jacket. I have always got out of anything I set my mind to if I really did not want to do it( I am not talking about things promised here, but what someone may put on me, I want to avoid.) I kept thinking how I was missing my daily walk, my kids trauma and taking care of my birds.
Finally I was getting somewhere and maybe once I got to this place in the wheelchair, maybe I could go home.

I was wrong- I will never call that phone # again to talk to anyone ever again!!!! All I could think of was what I would miss at home and my stubbornness turned into tears as they stripped me like a criminal and wrote down any mark on my skin.
I am not a druggie I stated. all they had on me was my psoriasis, tick marks and surgery scar- no drug tracks or cutting. I was so humiliated. My standards and convictions is to keep the law. Mortified and humiliated.
MY bottom was open and exposed as i was given an hospital gown to put on. They searched my purse and clothing I had brought and finally offered me scrub pants to cover me up. I thanked God for these. So embarrassing, as I cried.
The head nurse was very kind to me at the desk and i stopped my tears. They only allowed me my books from home. I suppose those that made me come here did not know because I thought why did they not tell me all I packed was for naught?
They helped me to a room where another girl was out. By then it was midnight and I was thinking: "Oh no I share a room." They  had me to take sleeping meds and I conked like a log. Glad to forget.

Part C In a few days .