My experience with bipolar, drugs, Dr's, and other things.

I know I need to write my hospital experience on here, but I have changed courses.-maybe tomorrow or a couple days. I do not like to think of the hospital when major depressed and I am that today. Very hard to write and a question has come up on medication I want to deal with. for all the people on bipolar christian group on FB and especially Misty Bear.

I think medicine is very much needed even for mental stuff- very much so. If it had not been for Ativan when I went into the hospital way back with psychosis and not really knowing what was wrong.( I was very ignorant back then.) I had never even heard of bipolar and actually I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I knew about that one since I had read books on it.Actually this verse fits here: Job_3:25  For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. I was always afraid after reading several books on it that this would be me.

Anyway, I had never heard of bipolar. and there is a lot more to tell with what happened before I figured out what was wrong. Yes, I was the one that figured it out myself. Dr's are practicing not knowing. I do have a post on here about my child hood and things my mom remembered that set me on the path it was bipolar. I have had problems with it since about 4 of and on. My link to my post on beginning of bipolar: http://blogginadventure.blogspot.com/2012/03/beginnings-of-bipolar-bipolar-balst-5.html

Back to the medicine. I do take medicine and I really found out with my new meds I got in the hospital what happens when my body is used to drugs and i do not get them.

You see when I first went over the top with terrible psychosis brought on from extreme anxiety and mania- I have since figured this out myself by studying- I was given anxiety medicine, a psychotic stuff and zoloft. I was better and could finally sleep which I had not done for about 2 weeks -having pain like fire shoot through me at night or when I lay down. I had dealt with weird stuff off and on for 3 months and no I did not want to go to the dr since I was a christian and (Christians should not need medicine. Friends finally convinced me to go in.) Dr's did not know what to do at all. I did better off an don to i went totally psychotic at the 3 months end. All during this time I had fear like ice waves over me,. the feeling of fire, seeming my body parts moving around, earth quakes inside, total darkness. I prayed and did not want to take medicine. but wren voices became so violent and I could not sleep. My husband took me in and by that time I was desperate for medicine.

I stayed on this medicine for about 2 years, getting it free under a Florida plan, but still having some voices and aftershocks. Then we moved. Washington state and no insurance. My husband would not pay for my medicine so  I dumped the psycho stuff. I did not trust it anyway and my mom sent me money for the Zoloft. I still had extreme depression and really happy states, but did not know I had bipolar yet. With god and praying I was under a lot of control.

 A  couple years later i had a computer for the first time and the world opened up with learning. I stared watching videos on mind illness and reading on it. my mom sent me a book-huge and I do not recall the name- but was on bipolar. she had skipped through it and said it sounded like me. IT REALLY DID and I was sure this was the problem.


I was able to find a discount clinic, but afraid to bring up bipolar. I was put on Klonpan and  I was doing pretty well with it and zoloft. I had bouts of anxiety and depression back and forth.

I was sent to a psychiatrist in this time and he yelled at me for being on the benzo. I had never heard such a thing. refused to treat me and I have since found out wrote I was an addict in records,. Not true I never abused those. Back and forth. One dr would say that is crazy since you take so little. another would not prescribe them.

Get to the point. Now where I am at, again I get no insurance. They do provide mental health for free, but not medications. Klonopan is cheap. I began to notice after being prescribed it for a year or so at this place that suddenly they got real snotty when I brought this up. my caseworker started telling me I need mood stabilizers.( I should have not told them I had bipolar maybe?? just stuck with anxiety.) Now they will not let me have it. They have put me on some creepy antihistamine. I was doing pretty good trusting God and taking just what I needed and under my control and needs. I was prescribed this medication 15 years ago and did not abuse or sell or give it to others. check my record. This is why I am against medicine. I am glad i had it, but you are at mercy with the system. So ,I do not have it now and I do not want to take the other junk. So if anxiety gets out of hand oh well. maybe they will get a clue. All because of some druggies giving it a name.

So they put me on some mood, stuff, an antidepressant and this anxiety stuff. If I just had to get them it would be fine, but I have expensive drugs for my other illnesses so guess which ones I was able to get. I will die w/out the asthma stuff. the klonopan is cheap. The new stuff expensive. so I was without my meds for 5 days. I found out what happens when your body is used to those drugs i went out of control faster and more extreme than usual. I was not right with  God either which was double whammy. I think medicines are great and necessary at sometimes after all Paul says: Ti_5:23  Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities. this is in a medicine's sense- Nice to know a great man like timothy had physical problems. Luke was a Dr. and was a great christian also.But this is what I hate about medications.         

1.  They are wonderful if you have insurance or the money when you run out.
2. Dr's do not trust your experience and think anyone with this stuff is deceitful and lying and abusing the medicine.
3. So they make you get off something that has got you through for years because of a few messing it up for everyone.
4. though you have studied and probaly know more than DRS they will give you taht look when you say anything that makes them look  like the "professional"
5. They will give you an embarrassing drug test, even though they can check the record and tell you are not abusing and show their stupidity. One reason  I stay home and work for God, he does not make me do a drug test. Think that is wrong. my opinion.
6. You body gets used to ,the drugs and your state without them is far more dangerous if you control by God.
7. I still am extremely depressed anyway. 
8. Some side effects cause me more anxiety than I would have had.
9. I went to these Dr's at this place just to get the anxiety medicine since my regular DR, a PA told me to since she could not prescribe and it is annoying the games they do now to me.
10. They always want to add more and play with the meds and who knows if they will not take away what works again. you are at there mercy. the bible says do not be brought under the power of any. I feel like I am under them more then my Savior. At their beck and call and if you cannot make an appointment when you live over an hour away,  I money is short and your car  is old or you are extremely sick. Or other things. They will take away your birthday-oops I mean your medication they pill pushed on you.
11. They cannot seem to take my extreme deadly asthma into consideration. How it drives the adrenalin-when I was a kid I had actual adrenalin shots. I am a different case and out of their little box.
12. And the biggest reason I am leery to get used to relying on these is I look to the future. I know what happened a few days ago without these meds because I was not able to get them. Our terrible leadership and sin of this nation is bringing God's judgement. It is only beginning. Prices are said to rise next year 50%. It will get worse. We already do not eat right because , frankly we cannot afford it. (another thing DRS always putting the eat right on you) When it come down to a meal or a medicine. Which are you going to choose? Please. if you have no gas and cannot get to Walgreens which is so far and the only place you can bring the meds down to $100 a month instead of $600. What will you do? # 12 Is my main concern. At least an asthma attack will kill me first. And heaven awaits. God will have to do something miraculous if and when it comes to that. I just remember how cheap my asthma drugs were when they first gave them to me.

Well praise Jesus Christ all the way anyway.